Look Up

Just look up,
Look up at the night sky.
A splattering of luminous stars
Covers the inky black canvas,
Like sparse freckles across
Creamy coloured skin.
But that’s not all.
It’s impossible for me to imagine
Everything that is out there.
We are but a near-nonexistent spec
In the well oiled machine that is
The Universe.
Too many planets to count
And stars that travel in a way
That seems to bend time itself.
It’s almost humbling,
Isn’t it?
To think that all that I am
And all that I’ll ever be
Is so incredibly insignificant,
And my life will be over
In what could be compared to
The blink of an eye;
The Universe
Is simply too wonderful
For me to matter,
But oh,
How wonderful it is.


Drunk Girls In Bathrooms

There’s a coven of girls
Locked away in the bathroom,
The steady beat of a brewing party
Can just be heard
Through the silencing door.
One is sat on the hard, tiled floor,
Bare legs pressed against the cold surface.
One is huddled in the shower,
Unaware of the
That is leaking from above.
And another is sat on the porcelain throne itself,
Lid up or down, it does not matter.
They whisper confidently to each other,
Sharing their hopes and dreams,
And their fears and regrets
Knowing that they are all
Sworn to secrecy.
Each one sipping out of
Their own poisonous cups,
The revelations flowing
As easily as
The sweet potion itself.
Someone cries,
Hard to tell who,
And then there is an abundance of
“I love you” ‘s
And warmth
And support
And potentially holding back each other’s hair
As the poison threatens to come back up again.
But as soon as the door clicks open
And the coven joins the crowd once more,
There are jealous eyes upon them,
Wishing they were a part
Of these secret meetings too.
No one will ever know
What was shared in that bathroom
And that truly is a marvellous thing.


A Princess’s Choice

There once was a princess,

Not fair, but quite bold.

She was not well loved,

Her heart icy cold.


She lived in a tower,

As princesses do,

Guarded by monsters,

But none such as you.


You were rather well known

In her land, far and wide,

For conquering nations

And mastering tide.


Her parents had sold her,

Given you her hand,

For just the small price

Of a little more land.


You’d heard of the girl

And her intriguing allure

So you decided to wed her

And claim what was pure.


Now the princess did know

Of the things you had done,

The villages you’d burned

And the maidens you’d ‘won’.


She was not prepared

To take your brute hand

And bow to her parents

For some vapid land.


When you raided the tower,

Fought hard, tooth and nail,

Killed off the dragons,

You thought ‘twas your tale.


But that is not so,

Because, as you’ll see,

The princess was waiting,

And the princess was me.


You strode through my room

With an arrogant swagger

And did not suspect

My small hidden dagger.


You cried aloud

“Fair maiden, just see,

I’ve defeated the beasts.

You’re now owned by me”.


“I think you’ll find”,

I spoke in reply,

“That your statement is false

And I shall not comply”.


You threw your head back

And laughed at my speech

Thinking I was a fool

With sense out of reach.


But you still failed to notice

My reluctance to move

So when you grabbed for my hand

I had to choose.


Did I want to live

A life unfulfilled?

Trapped and oppressed,

Preferably killed?


Or did I instead

Want something more?

Freedom and choices,

To live my own lore?


My choice was not hard

So reader, you’ll see,

I pulled out my dagger

And set myself free.


It’s quite safe to say

My parents weren’t pleased

With the corpse I sent back

And the freedom I’d seized.


I may still be known

As the cold hearted girl,

Not fair, but quite bold

In wanting life to unfurl.


And that, I don’t mind

For reader, you know

Of the choice that I made

And the life I did sow.


So now and forever

It seems that to me

I will be alone,

But alone, happily.

Is it nostalgia or love that you are feeling?

The truth is
I don’t want you.
I want the feeling that you gave me
Oh so easily.
The feeling that
You were a constant
Like a fervent lighthouse
Amid a tempestuous storm;
Only ever a breath away,
Even when the sea stretched
Far and wide between.
You made me feel as though
We were but stars,
Exalted specs of dust
With nothing but the expanse of the universe
And time itself ahead of us,
Indeed, belonging to us.
You made me feel safe, warm,
As if I were bundled in a cocoon of bed sheets
In my childhood home
That act as an impermeable fort
Protecting me from harm and wear.
It was as if all of a sudden
The contents of my heart
Had been scrawled on my sleeve
And I found joy in sharing
The special part of myself
That not even I am truly familiar with;
But she is happy,
And she is full of life,
And she is full of love,
So what’s not to like?
But still,
I do not want you back.
I want this feeling of love back,
To dig out the part of me that I truly miss;
Perhaps I should start by loving myself.

Time To Fly The Nest

You and I are sat
On a giant white plane,
A dreamy bird that seems to
Fill the entire expanse of the sky.
You look across at me
With love and content,
But also with fear;
You are afraid of flying
And want to hold my hand.
I roll my eyes
But dutifully take yours in mine
And clasp it tight as though
It were a precious gem.

All of a sudden,
We are no longer sat
Your plane is going one way
Whilst my plane another.
I also abruptly notice that
I’ve been left to fly my own plane
And the cabin pressure is rising
And the floor has fallen away,
Landed in a blazing heap below.

There will surely be turbulence
Completely out of my control
And I will struggle
Without you,
Struggle like never before.
This heavenly highway is
A one way road;
Once I’ve flown away,
There is no going back.

I will one day become accustomed
To navigating through cloudy storms
And sitting alone,
But I’ll still find myself
Looking across,
Searching the never ending sky,
For just a trace of you
Because the truth is Mum,
I want to hold your hand too.

A Problem Shared Is Not Always Halved

I’m not so sure it’s favourable,
For either of us, actually,
That I shed some of this weight
From my shoulders and my back –
The dense, heavy boulders,
As well as the slippery rocks –
And load them atop your carriage
To share with me my heaviest burdens.
After all,
You have your own boulders to carry,
Your own rocks and stones to hold.
“A problem shared is a problem halved”
Is not true if the case is that
I am left light and free
And you are left twice as heavy as me.
It’s best that I continue as I am,
Be my own Atlas
Holding the weight of my own world,
And you journey on, my friend,
Never looking back
Even if my dense, heavy boulders
And slippery rocks
Bury me alive;
It’s best you just bear your own load.

Rib Cage

I feel my sharpened set of ribs
Like blades beneath my skin
Constantly reminding me
Of the 10 foot wall between
This stony heart and I.
My hand wriggles under them,
Blind and desperate, searching
For just one spare inch of love
That I’ve left for myself –

No luck; empty handed again.

May 22nd

I wish I had watched him flee that night
To see if he faltered at the driver’s wheel
Or if my cries and sobs almost lured him back into the house
Or if he even glimpsed a look just one last time
At our small peaceful life now a burning wreck.
Or was his decisiveness so deafening, so cold
That his mind was not clouded by even an inch of doubt
As he drove away into the jet black nothingness, leaving me behind.

Ode to Childhood

A gentle Spring breeze caresses my rosy face
Flushed with natural radiance and delight.
The black roses are still red, still bright.
Their eau de parfum is soft as lace.

The cuts on my skin are but innocent grazes
And when I fall I can easily get back up.
My clothes are loose; I am fat like a pup
But comfortable, not caring for other’s gazes.

The ice-cream on my tongue is sweet, cold,
Though it carries the promise of Summer yet.
When the glowing sun begins to set
The night sky is still warm, still pink and gold.

I am greeted by a mother with only eyes for me
Her arms envelope me like we’ll never meet again
She whispers like a secret: “my child, carpe diem”.
Finally I am just in dreams that ebb and flow like the sea.

Youth, like Spring, can offer eternal joy
But Youth, like Spring, time will one day destroy.

(Ir)Rational Fears

You may ask me
“What’s your biggest fear?”
And I may reply
“Being underground”
But I may also reply

“Being alone.
Nothing scares me more
Than the idea that
Everyone who loves me
Has the capability of leaving me.

Love, like a home grown plant,
Can wilt and die before your eyes.
It can fade like the felt tip
Scribblings of our names
On a wall somewhere back home.

Love can leave without you even noticing.
It can creep out like a burglar in the night,
And soon enough people will go with it
Without giving you a chance
To stick a band aid over the cracks.”